Im so used to being by myself, with just me to worry about.
Yea, ever since i can remember I’ve longed for a boyfriend or someone to just acknowledge me, and i still do. not much has changed.
but what has changed is my perception of myself. i used to think that something was wrong with me and thats the reason why I’ve always felt by myself.
Really, the reason i am by myself is that i never showed enough confidence in myself, and if you’re not comfortable with your own personality, physicality, emotions, and mentality, how someone else be comfortable with you, let alone approach you.
Sometimes i wish guys would talk to me or whatever, but really if they did, i wouldnt believe them. that game that guys spit to women now-a-days doesnt cut it for me. its cheap. if a guy honestly tried to come at me with "aye yo shawty" or some other type of coonery, im not gonna take them seriously. thats not sincere at all. im not a lil chicken head or some around the way girl theyre used to reeling in. it used to torment me how different i was from other girls my age. im not petite, not average hieght, not light skinned or even brown skinned. i am an 18 year old, 280 lb, 5’ 11’, dark-skinned woman. you can talk how ever you want to these LITTLE girls. i am a different breed of women in a very mainstream society. so you gon’ have to approach me different.
right now, im slowly but surely accepting my very different non-average persona. ive become comfortable with the fact that ive never had a boyfriend. i think that adds alot of character for me. ppl ask me how i do it. welll its not that hard when temptation ignores you. i feel blessed that ive gone 18 years DRAMA free. yea i also think it puts me at a disadvantage too, but how can you miss something you never really had? i mean yea, ill prolly get my first boyfriend when im in my 20’s when practically all of my friends have surpassed that milestone at 12-13 years old. *shrug* who the fuck cares? shit just didnt go that way for me.
so being by myself right now feels really good. i feel content. the single life isnt as bad as my peers have hypnotized the less experienced to be. im having fun, no one else to worry about or hold me down.
im not gonna be single forever, and if i am, well that how its supposed to then. if it aint broke, dont fix it. aint nothin wrong with me because im by myself. it just took me 18 years to figure that out. =/ better late than never, eh?
I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you've helped a friend by doing the smallest thing but it means the world to them. It reassures me that i mean something to someone. It feels good.
“Ambitious girl… You just wanna win,
And you rather chase your dreams,
than to try to chase these men,
That try to chase these skirts,
That try to chase these shots
with flavors that ain’t even as sweet as her…”—
Wale - “Ambitious Girl”
Okay… This just gave me LIFE to continue on in my pursuits to be all that I shall.
Okay, im slowly but surely mentally preparing for school. im getting a tad bit excited about going back and seeing my sisters since the semester ended. I’ve been so close-minded about school starting and being afraid because of the 2nd semester i had. Yes, it was hard, tough, busy, and dissappointing, but i think everybody goes through there tough semesters. i just went through mines during my freshman year. -___- i learned SO MUCH my freshman year and i will take these lessons and mistakes that i have made and turn them around. not only do i want to get extremely better grades (i dont play when it comes to my grades. last year, unexceptable) i want to be able to handle so much more that comes my way. i want to be able to see a challenge and not be afraid to take it on. even though i think college in general is a big huge scam, there is still some sort of element in there that does actually teach you. i love learning new things and im not going to let the harsh realities of college life get the best of me. i DO NOT have time for that. i aspire to be a college professor, with a PhD (or at least a masters) in pyschology. i have come across some very professional and admirable professors that truely love what they do, despite the spoiled, clueless, peers i have encountered that take advantage of the education given to them. i wanna be able to make my mark on the next generations ahead of us and to know that i helped and instilled in them how humans function, operate, and react to the society we live in. i believe that you gotta know how something works first before you can fix it. i feel my calling is to drop some knowledge on yall, show you how and why you do the things that you do. =)
but anyway (kinda got a bit side tracked lol) i gonna stop being afraid of returning to school, just because it got hard. this summer i dusted myself off and now im ready to get back up again. gotta take this challenge head on.