Im not sorry anymore.
Im not sorry for the way I look, my personality, who my family is, my heritage, where I live, what I study, where I study, who my friends are, how I dress.
Im just not.
Im through walking around like I have to apologize for being Dziko. If I am inconveniencing you purely from my presence, get the hell over it.
Im through feeling like a monster. Yes Im huge, okay, I fucking get it. Now that we established this for the n-teenth time, lets move on.
Im through feeling stupid and selfish for saying I want to be in a relationship in the future. When you tell me “being in a relationship is overrated”, “you dont need a man”, “you need to appreciate having your alone time”, “relationships are hard, blah blah blahhhh”, all Im hearing is excuses saying I dont deserve to be in a relationship.
Yes, Im thoroughly aware that Im on another level then these boys that I see in my environment. Ive been hip. But sometimes you get to that point where, no matter how good your feeling, how good you look, when no one is giving you shine for being awesome, your gonna start feeling some type of way. I HATE feeling irrelevant, and thats how Im feeling right now. Shits not okay. Its like, if you put your heart and soul into painting the most amazing piece of art in your life and you hang it up on your wall with such pride and high regards but everyone around is bypassing it to look at the basic ass finger painting on the fridge, thats going to crush your spirit.
Im not saying do things to get attention from people, by no means, but we are all interactive people and one of our basic needs for survival is in fact needing to belong. While I have a tremendously wonderful network of friends and family around me, something is missing. I struggle almost everyday with the realization that I dont have someone vying for my attention or trying to court me. Why? I dont know. Question of the freaking decade.
Im awesome. Awesome. AWESOME. AWESOME. Yet no one is willing to step up to the plate. Shit plagues me.
In all honesty, Im not looking to be sexually intimate with someone. I am comfortable with the fact that I am 20 years old and I am not sexually active. Im not ready. And thats perfectly fine with me! But, I do wish to be able to have a chance to be intimate with someone. To touch, feel, be close to someone, as well as get to know the ins and outs of another person besides myself.
I shouldnt have to feel ashamed of wanting this. But I do. Im tired of going around and feeling like an ugly monster and being sorry for wanting someone to like me, to say that im beautiful, to get to know me, and so on.
I see that being in a relationship isnt just sugar and spice, but I have that right as a human being to desire being on an intimate level with a fellow human being who desires the same.
I will never settle for a guy whos not on my level just to fulfill this desire. Please. Im going to keep waiting. Ive waited this long, I might as well keep it going. Im just wondering though, how long is it going to take for men to realize that there is something greater than a basic ass finger painting and search for the masterpiece?