Life of a Psych Major…
Life of a Psych Major…
Can you see the difference yet? lolz—
I just read a a prayer that I wrote back in my first semester of college. I almost forgot that I wrote it and Im glad that I kept it. While I read the prayer, I was both amazed at how much I have grown and as well as how much I have stayed the same. Now I know that was only 2 1/2 years ago, but now as Im approaching the end of my junior year, I feel like I have made some growth in that span of time. I was a mess my first semester. Adjusting to being away from home, dealing with the freedom, making silly and unthought of decisions,
boys, dealing with less than impressive grades, peer pressure, the usual. Not that I got the game figured out now, I mean Im pretty much dealing with the same shit now, give or take a few items on the list, But I feel that the difference between now and then is confidence. I still have my moments now where my uncertainty of who I am shows in my actions, but Im learning more and more everyday who I am and what I am here for essentially. These past 3 years have made me more sure of what I want to do and academically I have enjoyed. it. Now if only I didnt have to deal with, like…people, Id be fine. but alas, they are still here. Ive spent a good portion of my time here loathing this place, and I think that out of all these experiences, I am starting to appreciate Frostburg. Its has molded me into who I am and I wouldnt have had the same experiences at any other institution. Now maybe my college experience would have been better or worse and the school of my choice, but that wasnt in the cards for me. Im thankful for the people I have met, the things I have learned, and most of all the motivation and determination to build a stronger relationship with God. I dont know if that would have happened anywhere else but it has happened here. My struggles have not gotten any easier since Fall 2009, I am 10x more confident that I will get through it no matter what it takes to accomplish it. Thats just basically how I get through it.
When people ask me what am I.
This question unfortunately always pisses me off.
As in: what part of Africa my family is from.
I sincerely wish I could tell you. But I dont know. My family has done copious amounts of research to get some general idea of where we are from. Theres family saying that part of the family is from the Caribbean, but that still tells us pretty much nothing.
But as I was saying, when people ask me this, and I respond, its either really disrespectful, or just really awkward. Usually Ill respond by saying, “I’m American” or, “My parents are from America”. Then people will often just stare at me, laugh in my face, ask the question again like I’m dumb and didn’t understand what they just asked me, or be like “oh”.
I guess it doesnt help that my name is Dziko. People automatically assume. Then I get people clowning me about my name. Really? Ok. -__-
But dont get me wrong. I LOVE my name. Its MY name. Nothing else would really fit. But when it comes to things like trying to use my own name against me, you’re doing the most.
The point is, I really wish there was a better way to answer this question. I wish even more that people would be more respectful about it. Im sorry that my ancestors were captured and their captors did everything in their power to make sure I couldnt connect directly to my origins. My bad, ya’ll.
I know Im not the only person who goes through this. This is the type of shit that keeps black people disconnected because I shouldnt have to feel disrespected when someone asks me where Im from. I should be able answer the question and move on.
Honestly, I wish I could answer the question beyond “American”, but that’s not the reality of the situation. And you should respect that.
Im not sorry anymore.
Im not sorry for the way I look, my personality, who my family is, my heritage, where I live, what I study, where I study, who my friends are, how I dress.
Im just not.
Im through walking around like I have to apologize for being Dziko. If I am inconveniencing you purely from my presence, get the hell over it.
Im through feeling like a monster. Yes Im huge, okay, I fucking get it. Now that we established this for the n-teenth time, lets move on.
Im through feeling stupid and selfish for saying I want to be in a relationship in the future. When you tell me “being in a relationship is overrated”, “you dont need a man”, “you need to appreciate having your alone time”, “relationships are hard, blah blah blahhhh”, all Im hearing is excuses saying I dont deserve to be in a relationship.
Yes, Im thoroughly aware that Im on another level then these boys that I see in my environment. Ive been hip. But sometimes you get to that point where, no matter how good your feeling, how good you look, when no one is giving you shine for being awesome, your gonna start feeling some type of way. I HATE feeling irrelevant, and thats how Im feeling right now. Shits not okay. Its like, if you put your heart and soul into painting the most amazing piece of art in your life and you hang it up on your wall with such pride and high regards but everyone around is bypassing it to look at the basic ass finger painting on the fridge, thats going to crush your spirit.
Im not saying do things to get attention from people, by no means, but we are all interactive people and one of our basic needs for survival is in fact needing to belong. While I have a tremendously wonderful network of friends and family around me, something is missing. I struggle almost everyday with the realization that I dont have someone vying for my attention or trying to court me. Why? I dont know. Question of the freaking decade.
Im awesome. Awesome. AWESOME. AWESOME. Yet no one is willing to step up to the plate. Shit plagues me.
In all honesty, Im not looking to be sexually intimate with someone. I am comfortable with the fact that I am 20 years old and I am not sexually active. Im not ready. And thats perfectly fine with me! But, I do wish to be able to have a chance to be intimate with someone. To touch, feel, be close to someone, as well as get to know the ins and outs of another person besides myself.
I shouldnt have to feel ashamed of wanting this. But I do. Im tired of going around and feeling like an ugly monster and being sorry for wanting someone to like me, to say that im beautiful, to get to know me, and so on.
I see that being in a relationship isnt just sugar and spice, but I have that right as a human being to desire being on an intimate level with a fellow human being who desires the same.
I will never settle for a guy whos not on my level just to fulfill this desire. Please. Im going to keep waiting. Ive waited this long, I might as well keep it going. Im just wondering though, how long is it going to take for men to realize that there is something greater than a basic ass finger painting and search for the masterpiece?
That Im stressed out.
And a tad overwhelmed. To me, admitting this to myself is saying that I cant handle it. Is it true? I gonna say no. Am I afraid that I wont be able to be on top of everything? Yes.
A price to pay to wanting to be involved…
And on top of that, things arent going the way I want them to go. I have low exceptions about various things, but when I put my heart and soul into something, and it ends up flopping? Im going to have a problem. Im aware that things dont always end up the exact way they are intended, but when certain things are lined up in such a manner, Im going to expect things to follow through the way its lined up. You cant just say certain things and then not follow up with it. Not only is that unprofessional in some cases, but disrespectful of my time and effort. Nobody likes their time wasted, why should mines be any different?
Just when I think I have enough patience, Im asking for more…