I don’t know whats worse:

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Im tired of feeling like a circus freak whenever I leave the house. Shits getting old.

Let me live.

(Source: silentdeee)

Im having one of those “I absolutely hate the skin that Im in” days. 

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// Shit I hate://

When people ask me what am I.

This question unfortunately always pisses me off. 

As in: what part of Africa my family is from. 

I sincerely wish I could tell you. But I dont know. My family has done copious amounts of research to get some general idea of where we are from. Theres family saying that part of the family is from the Caribbean, but that still tells us pretty much nothing. 

But as I was saying, when people ask me this, and I respond, its either really disrespectful, or just really awkward. Usually Ill respond by saying, “I’m American” or, “My parents are from America”. Then people will often just stare at me, laugh in my face, ask the question again like I’m dumb and didn’t understand what they just asked me, or be like “oh”.

I guess it doesnt help that my name is Dziko. People automatically assume. Then I get people clowning me about my name. Really? Ok. -__-

But dont get me wrong. I LOVE my name. Its MY name. Nothing else would really fit. But when it comes to things like trying to use my own name against me, you’re doing the most. 

The point is, I really wish there was a better way to answer this question. I wish even more that people would be more respectful about it. Im sorry that my ancestors were captured and their captors did everything in their power to make sure I couldnt connect directly to my origins. My bad, ya’ll. 

I know Im not the only person who goes through this. This is the type of shit that keeps black people disconnected because I shouldnt have to feel disrespected when someone asks me where Im from. I should be able answer the question and move on.

Honestly, I wish I could answer the question beyond “American”, but that’s not the reality of the situation. And you should respect that.

(Source: silentdeee)

// Honestly…//

I am the only person to my knowledge that would completely break down into a panic attack because of school work.

I’m tired. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. Upset. Discouraged. Burnt out. Unmotivated. Exhausted. Drowning.

All I want to do is complete my work to the absolute best of my abilities, in a timely fashion. 

I take my education seriously and it hurts that I feel I cant measure up to my own expectations. Talk is cheap, eh?

(Source: silentdeee)

// Do not ever apologize for being who you are.//

Im not sorry anymore.

Im not sorry for the way I look, my personality, who my family is, my heritage, where I live, what I study, where I study, who my friends are, how I dress. 

Im just not.

Im through walking around like I have to apologize for being Dziko. If I am inconveniencing you purely from my presence, get the hell over it. 

Im through feeling like a monster. Yes Im huge, okay, I fucking get it. Now that we established this for the n-teenth time, lets move on.

Im through feeling stupid and selfish for saying I want to be in a relationship in the future. When you tell me “being in a relationship is overrated”, “you dont need a man”, “you need to appreciate having your alone time”, “relationships are hard, blah blah blahhhh”, all Im hearing is excuses saying I dont deserve to be in a relationship. 

Yes, Im thoroughly aware that Im on another level then these boys that I see in my environment. Ive been hip. But sometimes you get to that point where, no matter how good your feeling, how good you look, when no one is giving you shine for being awesome, your gonna start feeling some type of way. I HATE feeling irrelevant, and thats how Im feeling right now. Shits not okay. Its like, if you put your heart and soul into painting the most amazing piece of art in your life and you hang it up on your wall with such pride and high regards but everyone around is bypassing it to look at the basic ass finger painting on the fridge, thats going to crush your spirit.

Im not saying do things to get attention from people, by no means, but we are all interactive people and one of our basic needs for survival is in fact needing to belong. While I have a tremendously wonderful network of friends and family around me, something is missing. I struggle almost everyday with the realization that I dont have someone vying for my attention or trying to court me. Why? I dont know. Question of the freaking decade.

Im awesome. Awesome. AWESOME. AWESOME. Yet no one is willing to step up to the plate. Shit plagues me.

In all honesty, Im not looking to be sexually intimate with someone. I am comfortable with the fact that I am 20 years old and I am not sexually active. Im not ready. And thats perfectly fine with me! But, I do wish to be able to have a chance to be intimate with someone. To touch, feel, be close to someone, as well as get to know the ins and outs of another person besides myself.

I shouldnt have to feel ashamed of wanting this. But I do. Im tired of going around and feeling like an ugly monster and being sorry for wanting someone to like me, to say that im beautiful, to get to know me, and so on. 

I see that being in a relationship isnt just sugar and spice, but I have that right as a human being to desire being on an intimate level with a fellow human being who desires the same. 

I will never settle for a guy whos not on my level just to fulfill this desire. Please. Im going to keep waiting. Ive waited this long, I might as well keep it going. Im just wondering though, how long is it going to take for men to realize that there is something greater than a basic ass finger painting and search for the masterpiece?

(Source: silentdeee)

// Im in denial…//

That Im stressed out. 

And a tad overwhelmed. To me, admitting this to myself is saying that I cant handle it. Is it true? I gonna say no. Am I afraid that I wont be able to be on top of everything? Yes. 

A price to pay to wanting to be involved…

And on top of that, things arent going the way I want them to go. I have low exceptions about various things, but when I put my heart and soul into something, and it ends up flopping? Im going to have a problem. Im aware that things dont always end up the exact way they are intended, but when certain things are lined up in such a manner, Im going to expect things to follow through the way its lined up. You cant just say certain things and then not follow up with it. Not only is that unprofessional in some cases, but disrespectful of my time and effort. Nobody likes their time wasted, why should mines be any different?

Just when I think I have enough patience, Im asking for more…

(Source: silentdeee)

// Yo, fuck snow.//

Always and forever.

I didnt intend to come home for the weekend….to actually stay in the house.

I actually had plans! PLANSSS! Like things that cool ppl do! Yea, I had some. But the universe had other things in store apparently. 

And today’s date is October 29th….Ive never had to worry about snow in October. 

This is utter bullshit. 

Mother Nature wins the trolling award for 2011. Congrats.

(Source: silentdeee)

I really need to find more ways to get out of the house and stay busy.

Having a house full of depressed/stressed/bitter ppl is not my kind of party.

I want to help them as much as I can but I cant do much if someone is always in their feelings and isnt willing to atleast let someone know whats wrong.

So all I can do is let them continue being in their funk.

But dont think Im going to be walking on eggshells because you’re in a pissy mood. 

I know how it feels though. That was me the whole first month and a half of the summer.

But dont think Im going to continue to take your pissy attitude just because.

Yall dont want me catch an attitude back.

Dont start none, wont be none.

-endrant-

(Source: silentdeee)

// Musings//

Getting Caught Up…

• Las Vegas is the shit. If you have the opportunity (and hella cash) to go here, GO. And go to the Grand Canyon as well. Pictures dont do it justice. Its amazing. AMAZING. AMAZING.
• Im excited for my classes in the coming semester. This semester I will be taking all psych classes (=D) and I will definitely have a better understanding of what career path I want to take. I love psychology.
• Speaking of career paths, Because I work for a law enforcement agency (for the past 3 summers) the field of law enforcement has peaked my interest. Had I been aware of my opportunities in this field I would probably have studied Criminal Justice like my mommy and went to a better school for that. But lets be honest, Psychology is a pretty baller ass major and I want to have a prosperous career in psychology so Im definitely sticking with that. Sooooooo, to finally get to my original point, I figure since Im interested in both subjects, I’ll just have to try and mesh them together. There are various career options for psychology in law enforcement…I think. Like profilers and….idk. Ill look into it. But yea I want to try to get a legit psychology internship with maybe the FBI or ATF. But any psychology internship would be sublime b/c I really want to go ahead and get my foot in the door. =) Yay for the futureeeeeeeee!
• I need a personal nail technician. These nail salons are FLUKE. FLUKE I TELL YOU. I went to the nail salon the other day to get my toes done and I noticed there was only 3 ppl working that day. So I knew I was gonna wait for a minute. So Im seated to a massage chair and im just a-waitin for someone to get to me. So time goes by, and I realize that Ive been waiting for an hour….and my water was luke-fucking-warm. Whats a girl gotta do to get a legit spa experience? Shit.
• On a serious note, Im very blessed to have people around me who care enough about me to not give up on me when I already have. (…and that all I will say about that for now)
• Chub rub is a bitch. *shakes fist*

// Musings//

• Your own family can be your biggest enemy.
• I get too frustrated when I go shopping.
• My ability to comfortably interact in social situations has gotten extremely worse
• Im uncomfortable but I have no reason to be.
• I need want some sandals, maybe another dress, a romper, a bandage skirt, and better flats.
• Contemplating a second job, but Im too lazy to go out and look for one.
• Blahhhh.
• I need to hang out with my girls soon. But Ive been kinda busy. Maybe in another 2 weeks I can? =/
• I need some rejuvenation.
• But I feel like this:
• 
• 
• Praying helps. =)

// Musings//

• I had a really stimulating conversation with one of my families close friend and Im really glad that happened. I guess the fact that I was able to have a mature conversation with an adult kinda gives me that reassurance that I am maturing myself, and Im capable of communicating at an adult level. Its not that it hasnt happened before, I was just a really good thing to happen. 
• Im glad I have a constructive way of sorting my thoughts…Kind of. Im actually using my blog for its intended purpose lol. Its my way of beginning to open up and let go of the thoughts that burden me.
• Ive noticed that I only like children that Ive gotten to know when they are really young. I guess its because Im older now and I cant read children like I could when I was younger, so I dont completely understand them.
• I dont like things that I cant understand. If I cant at least understand how something works, its going to urk my nerves.
• Its nice to see that your not the only person going through struggles, whether its physically, emotionally, socially or mentally; bottom line, your not the only person who is suffering. *exhales*
• I want to say something but Im not ready to say that out loud yet. 
• I dont want to go to work tomorrow.
• Both men and women say the want a nice guy/girl but then once one is flailing right in their face they go back to disregarding them and therefore contradicting that whole statement. Just an observation. *sips tea*
• I should start meditating.
• Romantic comedies are my favorite movies to watch be/c they tend to be uplifting and positive. I am all to familiar with the fact that that shit isnt likely in many ppl’s lives but Id rather watch something good natured and humorous than something depressing. Doesnt life have enough of that already? Dont too much care to watch something of that nature in my leisure time.
• Forreal, I really dont feel like going to work tomorrow.
• Im alright. =)

(Source: silentdeee)

// I hate talking about this.//

When will it be my turn?

Its a part of growing up that people go through and it puts people through a lot of stress, heart break, and transformation. But it also can be one of many loving, romantic, intimate, rewarding, and amazing moments in a persons life. 

Relationships.

Never been in one. Never been close to one. Embarrassing? No, I dont consider it that anymore. Is it something that Ive always wanted growing up? Yes. Why havent I ever been in one? I really cant tell you a straight answer b/c I simply dont know. I feel that its a couple of things that may contribute to it, but theres still no clear answer.

As a young adult, Ive learned and appreciated being by myself in general. I would say that 80% of the time I enjoy my own company and can do things on my own time and not have to worry about what other people think or consider their feelings about something that I do or just enjoy my own space. Then theres that other 20% when im alone, and all it feels like is that no one cares or even thinks about me. I never thought of myself as attractive or beautiful, because I was never really told that I was, besides my family. But you know when your parents tell you the same stuff and it starts to lose meaning because they say it just b/c they are your family? Yea that was one of those things. But as a normal human being, I desire attention and recognition like everyone else, and sometimes it feels that Im doing something wrong or that something is wrong with me because Im here in this corner by myself while everyone around me is pursued or receives attention or has someone that takes the time out to get to know them.

Why am I any different? How are they any great of a person than I am? Am I something to be ashamed of? Am I doing something wrong? When will it be my time?

Not to toot my own horn, but I am a great fucking person. I am an awesome friend, a great listener, trustworthy person. But most of all, Im a woman that wants to seen as such. Im not saying I want attention to all of a sudden gravitate to me b/c I dont really like that, but just for someone to acknowledge me as a beautiful woman that can be viewed as worthy of being intimate with, someone who can be proud to be seen with me, and just someone to get close with. Am I asking for to much? b/c every time I think about this, it seems like I am.

Im more than some girl you can get answers for assignments or can do a quick favor for or pretend to be my friend when you tryna go smack at my friend. -___- no, fuck that shit. 

Maybe because I dont get approached is because I never thought I was worthy of being approached, and that shows in my actions. Confidence is key. Im told that a lot. And its a work in progress.

Ehh, I dont know what to think or do. I guess keep wishing? Better yet, What can I do to make this stop bothering me? It seems to be more stress than what its worth for some people, but I why do I want it so much then?

Always want what you cant have. Heard that one a lot, too…

lol this is all over the place. But Id thought it would help talking about. =/ ehhhh. Unfollow if you see fit.

I wish I could adopt children who are neglected by their parents right at this moment.

I cant help but be upset when I hear about a 3 year old baby thats been neglected and is so hungry that he wakes up to walk to the kitchen to get a loaf of bread and a packet of hot chocolate, and then is found by an in-home nurse with poo all over him because his mother is unfit to take care of him.

My little cousin doesnt deserve this at all. Or my other cousins for that matter. They may be bad as hell, but they dont deserve that kind of life to be brought up in. I wish I could do something to help, but that part of the family has pretty much burned their bridge between us and reaching our hand out to them most of the time gets our selves burned. Many of the people surrounding them are so negative not many people can expand their perspectives outside of that town. I cant help my adult relatives b/c they are the ones that have made their decision, but for my younger cousins? being around adults like that is only going to continue the viscous cycle and I really dont want my cousins to grow up like that. Especially my baby cousin. He doesnt deserve this. No one in the world deserves this. Part of me wishes I could take care of him, despite the fact that I am only 19 and I dont work full-time, or have a place of my own. But I wouldnt let him sit in a destructive home were that is the main component for a child’s development. (I know I know, Im way over my head on this.)

Idk, this hits close to home. Ive heard about my peers being exposed to abusive and negligent parents and Ive always had empathy for them b/c no one deserves to be raised that way, but for my own family to be growning up like that? I cant help but be upset. More like PISSED. I wish so badly that I could do something about it, but all I can do is pray for them. 

-end rant-

(Source: silentdeee)